Losing Control
by LeviosaHex
Summary: Snape's POV of "Controlled Emotions" although you can read this without reading Controlled Emotions which is from Harrys point of view. HP/SS.
1. Prologue - A Time to Remember

**A/N:For those of you reading this because of a story alert for Controlled Emotions this is the prologue for the next part of the story which is called "Losing Control" so please go to my profile and put an alert on the new story if you want to carry on getting updates xx  
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**Well it has been a while. Sorry. I will not give excuses for my long absence... real life just took over. However, I will attempt to make good my promise on continuing my first story "Controlled Emotions". For those of you who have not read "Controlled Emotions" I plan for this story to be a standalone piece in its own right and is Snape's POV during the same time frame as that of the original story which is in Harry's POV. So obviously "Controlled Emotions" contain spoilers for this piece and visa vera. **

**The plan is that this piece will continue beyond the time frame of Controlled Emotions once we have discovered what on earth Snape was thinking!  
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**Warnings: **

**This is a HP/SS story and is rated M for a reason. Also strong language in parts. The time frame for this story is not canon compliant. Harry did his 7****th**** year before defeating Voldmort etc. but apart from the time frame most other things compliant to canon (apart from the relationship between Harry and Snape obviously LOL) **

**Not been beta'd. Sorry for any mistakes.**

**Losing Control**

**Prologue – A Time to Remember**

**10th September 2002**

Severus Snape woke abruptly with his heart pounding in time to the loud pulsing screech of alarms he had hoped he would never hear. Sitting bolt upright in bed, he grabbed his wand with one hand, as the other searched blindly for the warm body he expected to be there, but all it found was a cold emptiness. Severus' looked down at the empty bed beside him as his surroundings came into focus and let out an anguished grunt when he realised he was alone. The phantom alarms faded, as did the images of his recurring dream.

Snatching his hand away from the coldness, he ran it over his tired face and slumped back onto his bed. He should be used to the monthly occurrence of waking in this manner, but this particular recurring dream always left him emotionally drained. It was more a memory than a dream - a memory that forced its way into his unconscious mind whilst he slept, and reminded him that it would die in the vial where it was stored if not replaced soon.

Severus lay for a moment trying to calm his racing heart and recapture the dream, but it was gone. He could never remember it, but it left him feeling sad and deeply lonely.

After a few minutes, once his heart had settled and his mind had cleared, he swung his legs out of bed, made his way over to an intricately carved cabinet that sat in the corner of his room, and opened its heavy wooden doors to reveal nine neatly stored crystal vials. The liquid these vials contained shimmered in the darkness, and sparks of red and green danced about in seemingly random patterns amongst the silvery liquid. These nine vials were the only thing that marked the passing of time in Severus life - the monthly ritual of waking with the phantom sound of Hogwarts wards being breached reminding him to replace memories he apparently would rather forget.

Sighing, he picked up the tray that held the vials and carefully carried them out to a small covered patio area, placed them on a coffee table that served as his breakfast table most mornings and slumped into a comfortable wicker chair. Taking a deep breath, he lifted the old yellowing parchment beside the vials and focused on his own flowing script.

**_Date: 10th September 1997 _**

**_These vials belong to Severus Snape and contain memories from the 1st September 1997 to 9th September 1997 inclusive. They are stored here using the Repono charm and are not for viewing in a pensive or for transference to anyone other than their owner. An attempt to do so may irrevocably damage the viewer's memories of their own life to date, and result in mental displacement and insanity. _**

**_Signed_**

**_Severus Snape._**

Beneath the transcript, there were notes - the first dated 10th October 1997, the last, which was squeezed in at the bottom right hand corner, the 10th August 2002 - exactly one month ago. _Five years,_ thought Severus, as he read the notes. Five years of hiding from whatever these vials held.

All the notes encouraged him to let the memories die in a harsh untidy scrawl so different from his usual precise flowing script. Placing the parchment back beside the vials, he leant back and closed his eyes. Severus could not understand why he felt it necessary to remove these memories, month after month, and instruct himself to let them die. He wondered what could be worse than the memory of the night he took the Dark Mark, or of the Dark Lord killing his childhood friend or of Albus falling from the Astronomy tower after he had cast the Unforgivable. His life was full of painful memories, why did he feel it necessary to extract these 9 days, for 5 years. Should he just let them die, as his monthly notes suggested? Should he cut part of his life out as though it had never happened? Severus opened his eyes and sat up straighter; he knew he could not. He knew that whatever memories these vials held he had to learn how to deal with them somehow. Learn to live with what he had done, since he was sure it was memories of yet more atrocities he had committed.

Severus resolved that this time would be the last time he would replace them. He would not extract them again, and would face up to whatever it was that was he had done. After carefully unstoppering all nine vials, he drew his wand and dipped its tip into each in turn whilst watching in fascination as the shimmering strands wrapped themselves around the black ebony wood. The strands pulsed gently in streaks of red, green and silver, and made Severus wonder if there were any significance to their colour. Memories he extracted for viewing in a pensive, were silver or black; to have red, equally threaded though these strands made him nervous. _Probably something to do with Harry Bloody Potter _he thought bitterly. Hadn't everything been about Harry-_The-Boy-That-Lived-Just-To-Die-At- The-Proper-Moment_-Potter?

Something tugged at the edge of his consciousness as he thought about that Merlin forsaken brat. There was something about the way the boy had looked and spoken to him on the last two occasions he had seen him. The first occasion had been in the Great Hall just before the final battle. The little brat had stood up to him and said he had trusted him. _Harry Potter had trusted him_. It did not sit right in his memories of their past. The look in the boy's eyes that night had shocked Severus. He had expected hatred, but there had been no hate, there had not even been any anger; instead, his green eyes radiated a pained desire that Severus had thought was a desire to see him dead, yet, the boy had not drawn his wand to fight him or even to defend himself. It had been as though the boy knew Severus would not harm him – could never have harmed him.

Severus was fully aware his feelings toward the boy had changed over the years. It was not something he admitted to himself now, but he had grown to care for the boy as he had got to know him. Not that he had ever shown signs of that to Potter. He had maintained his outward facade of hate right up until the moments before the end, indeed, the last time he had seen the boy was just before the idiotic Gryffindor had walked to his death whilst Severus lay dying himself. The memory was hazy, but there had been something odd about the way Potter had held him in his arms that night. Something strange about the way the boy's surprisingly warm caressing hands had held closed the neck wounds from Nagini's bite. Those small hands had gently stroked his face almost tenderly as they collected the memories he had given him. Memories Severus had known would lead the boy to his death. There was no hate in those stunning green eyes then either - just a sad yearning - a grief.

Severus scowled, he was unable to reconcile the memories of those two occasions with what he remembered about his relationship with the boy. Yes, these strands of light slithering around his wand must be about that little runt, but he was determined to replace them regardless. Standing on weary legs, he returned to his bedroom and lay down. A shaky hand brought the tip of his wand to his temple, and he quietly muttered, "Restituo Memoria".

Pain instantly shot through him causing his back to arch and his eyes to slam shut. The strands of light burrowed in through his skull, and they felt like hot rods of iron hammering into his brain. Severus let out a muffled grunt of pain just before his mind shut down, his body slumped into unconsciousness and his world turned into a swirling black.

**A/N: OK I know short start but this just sets the background for the story after we have relived Controlled Emotions from Severus' POV, which will be retold in the following chapters. I am actually feeling rather vulnerable about posting this since I have had a few problems with my writing recently. So please review and let me know what you think LH XX**


	2. One More Request

**A/N: For those of you that have voiced a concern that I may have missed a crucial warning about this story, I don't want to say too much about the future plot, but just to reassure you, all may not be as it seems in the prologue, so please stay with me!**

**Also, there are parts of this taken _almost_ directly out of DH; therefore, they are not my own words but JK's, as is the characters. xx**

**Chapter 1**

The swirling black cleared moments after Severus fell unconscious, and the memories replayed themselves as though they were only dreams – transporting him back 5 years.

**31st August 1997.**

**The Headmaster's Office.**

**"**Ah Severus, come in. Come in and take a seat," Albus Dumbledore, the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, said in his usual enthusiastic, twinkling sort of way. One would think that Severus Snape, the resident Potion Master for the last 16 years, would have grown accustomed to the old man's ways, but he always found himself internally flinching at the vivaciousness and general cheerfulness, not only of the man himself, but of his blasted dress sense and colourful surroundings.

Severus scowled at the overstuffed flowery armchair the Headmaster gestured toward when he entered, and chose to remain standing near the door.

"I hope this will not take too long Albus. I currently have a number of Potions brewing for Poppy that I promised would be with her before the students return tonight." Severus said in as pleasant a tone as he could muster.

"Severus, you know I would never keep you from your duties unnecessarily; however, there is something I need to discuss that takes precedent over all other matters – and something I must ask of you. So please, take a seat and help yourself to some tea." Albus spoke in a tone that was gentle but brokered no argument. With an absent-minded wave of his hand, a garishly decorated tea service popped into existence on the occasional table beside the flowery armchair. The teapot proceeded to pour some of the golden liquid it contained into a cup, which then rose and hovered in front of Severus' face, clinking delicately against its saucer as it did so. Severus growled at the floating piece of china, and had to restrain the urge to swat it out of the air like an irritating fly; instead, he grasped it, none too gently, and placed it back on the table without touching a drop.

"What do you want me to do now Albus?" Severus said slowly as he stiffly sat on the edge of the flowery armchair. Albus had already asked so much of him, and he was growing tired of the ever-increasing demands, not on his time, but of his soul.

"Since I can see you are obviously not in the mood for civilities Severus, I will come straight to the point." Albus looked at him unflinchingly, then spoke in a tone that would have been better fitting to the requesting of some mundane task. "The first thing I need you to do is ensure Harry learns to shield his mind from Voldemort."

Severus snorted. The sound was a cross between a strangled laugh and a shocked intake of breath. Teaching Potter to shield his mind had been the last thing he had expected the crazy old fool to ask of him.

"You have finally gone utterly mad Albus if you think I will resume lessons that have anything to do with that boy's mind. _Surely_, even _you_ must concede to the fact that the boy has no measurable talent in this field. He is arro..."

"Severus," the Headmaster interrupted his usual diatribe, with a stern tone, "_surely_ I do not need to remind _you_ that there are other methods besides Occlumency that can be utilised to shield one's mind from a man like Voldemort."

Severus let out a harsh breath, abruptly stood from his perched position, and looked down at the old man. He rarely won an argument with the Headmaster, especially when it had anything to do with his Golden-boy, but he was damn sure he was going to fight this one.

"You cannot be serious Albus! You want _me_ to teach Potter how to understand and control his emotions?"

Albus stood, placed his hands on the desk in front of him and leaned slightly toward Severus, making the younger man fight against his instinct to step back.

"Indeed, I do Severus. You are..."

Severus was not going to listen to his rationale. He was not going to be talked into this ridiculous nonsense.

"No! I am the wrong person to teach the boy anything to do with emotional control!"

"I believe Severus that you are, in fact, the only person who can teach Harry this method of shielding his mind."

"But he despises me as I do him! To teach the boy this method would mean that Potter would have to learn to trust me, to open up emotionally to me, and I would have to... to..."

"To what, Severus? Reveal the best of you?"

Severus let out an anguished grunt "He must never know. Not him. Not _Potter's_ son!"

Albus peered at Severus over his spectacles with surprise clear in his eyes and spoke quietly after a few moments.

"After all this time, Severus, surely you do not still see him as James's son?"

Severus shoulders sagged slightly, and he cursed himself for walking straight into an old argument that he had hoped he would never have again. The fact was, he knew he had been wrong about Potter, but he was not going to admit that to Albus when he rarely admitted it even to himself.

Straightening his shoulders and strengthening his resolve, he looked straight into those soft blue eyes and held them before he spoke again.

"What else would you have me see him as? He is exactly like his Father and not only in looks. He is arrogant, lazy and weak with no real magical talent. I will not subject myself to having to endure his presence any more than I have to!"

Dumbledore never took his eyes away from Severus' own while he allowed the younger man to rant, but Severus could see sadness creeping into the light blue and wondered what the old man saw that would cause such pain. Albus held the gaze for a moment longer before stepping around his desk and placing a gentle hand on Severus's shoulder.

"It was Lily's sacrifice that makes him the young man he is, Severus – it is her magic that runs in his veins. He may look like a young James, but surely you must see he is nothing like the boy you knew as your childhood nemesis?"

Severus closed his eyes briefly before pulling on all his own emotional control before speaking again, lest he show any sign that knew these words to be true.

"It is obvious that you are blind to the boy's true nature, and this is an argument that will never be resolved. It is for this reason alone that it is downright preposterous you are asking me, of all people, to teach him to control his emotions. Has it ever crossed your mind that there are some things that I just cannot do. To make the boy trust me enough, I would have to drop my own shields and..."

"Ah! So you admit that you have to control your emotions when it comes to Harry?" Dumbledore said with a smile.

"Don't be ludicrous! I have no problems hating him naturally. He is an insolent brat that...

The older wizard removed his hand from Severus tense shoulder, turned his back on him as he walked behind his desk again, and cut off his rant.

"Severus, whatever your feelings for the boy, they are not relevant in this, you have no option. You must find a way to teach him this, and it is imperative that you do so quickly."

Severus emitted a low growl, anger clear on his face.

"It appears yet again that I have no choice in the matter, _Headmaster_," he sneered.

"Unfortunately Severus, you do not. However, there is one other task I must ask of you, and when I explain what it is, you may begin to understand why it must be you that teaches him to control his emotions."

"Go on," Severus drawled, "I presume this will be as non-negotiable as your last so called _request."_

The Headmaster took a deep breath and closed his eyes. The unusual action, from the normally calm confident wizard, made Severus nervous. If Albus needed to prepare himself mentally for what he was about to say, it must be worse than what he has already asked of him, and he could not imagine anything worse than having to gain Potter's trust and open himself up to the brat.

"There will come a time when Voldemort seems to fear for the life of his snake."

"Nagini?" Severus interrupted in confusion, wondering what Nagini had to do with Potter.

"Yes Nagini. When Voldemort stops sending his snake out to do his bidding and keeps him close beside him, I want you tell Harry something."

There were many things Severus did not want Potter to know about his past dealing with the Dark Lord - things that had affected the boy's life - and it was not without some trepidation that he asked, "Tell him what?"

Albus took another deep breath but kept his eyes tightly closed.

"Tell him, that on the night Lord Voldemort tried to kill him, when Lily cast her own life between them as a shield, and the Killing Curse rebounded, a fragment of Voldemort's soul was blasted apart from its whole. This fragment...it...well, it latched itself onto the only living thing it could find."

Dumbledore sighed, opened his eyes and focused on Severus. Distress was clear in the blue that met with confused black.

"There is a reason Harry can talk with snakes Severus, a reason he has a connection to Voldemort's mind. Part of Voldemort lives inside him, and whilst this fragment of his soul remains protected by Harry, Voldemort cannot die."

A tense silence grew between the two wizards. Severus' heart was pounding, his breathing shallow, and he felt light-headed, but he eventually broke the silence and asked the question burning in his mind.

"The boy... must die?" Severus heard himself ask although he was not entirely sure he was ready to hear the answer.

"Yes, the boy must die, and Voldemort himself must do it. That is essential."

Severus could feel his breathing increase in rate and his heart pound harder. Another long silence descended as Severus struggled to maintain his outward composure.

"I thought … all these years … I was protecting him..." Severus stammered, mentally cursing himself for the emotion his voice betrayed.

"You have protected him because it has been essential to teach him. Meanwhile, however, the connection between Voldemort and Harry grows stronger, that is why it is imperative you teach him to control his emotions, it is the only way we have any hope of keeping Voldemort out his mind. You see Severus, Voldemort cannot bear close contact with a soul like Harry's; he is too full of love for it to be a comfortable place for his damaged soul to be. However, my concern is this: As the war progresses Harry will have to witness a great many evil things, and war, as it is wont to do, changes people. If Harry allows his love to turn to hate, or allows already established hate to grow and fester, then Voldemort will have free access to Harry's mind, and the war will be lost. I presume I do not need to inform you what Voldemort can do to a person's mind if he so chooses."

Severus was horrified. Potter had only ever been a pawn in Albus Dumbledore's war-games, much like himself, he suddenly realised. The old man portrayed a gentle caring exterior, but underneath he was no better than the Dark Lord as far as Severus was concerned.

"All this time, you have been raising him like a pig for slaughter!"

"Ah, so you do care about the boy?"

"HIM!" Severus said with a scowl and was glad that his tone portrayed an element of disgust, even when his heart and mind were breaking at the thought of the boy having to die.

"Expecto Patronum!" A silvery doe shot from his wand and danced around the room before disappearing out the window. Severus hoped that this would be sufficient to prove that he only continued to tolerate the boy for the sake of his debt to Lily, but he knew in his own heart why his Patronus had remained a doe after all these years, and it was not only his friendship with Lily Evans.

**A/N Thanks to everyone who has reviewed and faviourited this little story of mine. Your reviews mean everything and keep me going to finish this story that has played out in my head for a while! LHxx**


	3. Anger

**A/N: I know it has taken me ages to get another chapter to you. I do have this story all mapped out and it will all get posted, just having a really difficult time getting writing time at the moment! **

**A huge thank you to everybody that has reviewed and sent emails... they truely are the only thing that is keeping me writing this at the moment! Sorry I have not answered personally to you all but I promise I will try to do better this time!**

**Warnings: **

**This is a HP/SS story and is rated M for a reason. Also strong language in parts. The time frame for this story is not canon compliant. Harry did his 7****th**** year before defeating Voldmort etc. but apart from the time frame most other things compliant to canon (apart from the relationship between Harry and Snape obviously ) **

**Not been beta'd. Sorry for any mistakes.**

**Losing Control - Chapter 2**

**Anger**

**1st September 1998 **

**Great Hall**

Severus had no idea how he was going to approach the task of getting Potter to understand, let alone control, his emotions. However, it was a task he resigned himself to making at least some effort in accomplishing. He would never break his promise to Albus to do '_anything'_ in the fight against the Dark Lord, but more importantly, he would die trying to protect Potter if he had to. He had made a vow after all. It had absolutely nothing to do with the sentimental rubbish his overworked mind had whispered to him last night. He did not care for the boy he told himself resolutely as he prepared for breakfast that morning. The only reason he was watching Potter's every move now had nothing to do with the deep distress he had felt when he had heard that the boy had to die. By watching him, he hoped he would gain a better understanding of the brat, and be able to formulate some plan in the daunting task of teaching him emotional control.

Sipping his morning coffee, Severus watched as Potter unfurled a piece of parchment the boy had just collected from Professor McGonagall. It was obviously his timetable for the upcoming school year, and the Proffessor arched an eyebrow in surprise as Potter leant over it and began studying it in earnest. Knowing what class to be in, at what time, had never seemed to be of interest to this particular student in previous years, and Severus wondered if he had matured over the summer holidays. It was with this thought that he suddenly became aware that Potter was no longer a boy; he was a 17-year old fully grown wizard, legally and, quite obviously, physically. Scowling at the surprise he felt at this realisation, he wondered how he had missed the transformation from boy to man, but his breath hitched and stomach tightened when Potter leant further over his timetable causing the tight t-shit he wore to stretch across his broad shoulders and muscled back. Desire washed through the Professor at that moment like a tidal wave and made him shudder, but the second the errant emotion registered in his mind, it changed into anger quicker than it had arrived and barely left a trace in his conscious memory.

Potter may have physically matured, but he had obviously not matured emotionally. The stupid boy still clearly showed his every emotion on his face and in his body language. So much so that Severus, from his place at the other end of the Great Hall, could work out exactly what the boy was feeling. Potter's initial good mood and bright smile had disappeared the moment he began studying his timetable and Severus knew exactly why. The 7th year Gryffindors and Slytherins had Potions every morning and Defence Against the Dark Arts every afternoon. _Clearly, the thought of spending two hours a day in my presence fills him with just as much dread as the thought of having to suffer his does me, _Severus thought, allowing this to be his reason for his anger.

**Potions Classroom**

Severus recommenced his surreptitious observation of Potter the moment the boy arrived in his classroom. _He truly does hate me,_ Severus thought when he noticed Potters tense posture and clenched fists. Not that he _wanted_ Potter to like him, he told himself, but to have any hope of gaining the boys trust sufficiently enough for him to be open and honest about his true emotions, he would somehow have to make the boy not hate him so utterly. However, since hate was the main emotion that required to be controlled, he would have to make the boy hate him again once he had shown him how to control the primary emotions that gave it birth, just so he could teach him to turn that hatred into...something less destructive. Severus growled internally at the task he faced; it was completely intolerable that Albus refused to help him teach the boy. He was accustomed to finding a way to complete any task or problem Dumbledore gave him on his own, but this task, he feared, was beyond him.

To teach Potter to control his emotions, for the purposes of shielding his mind, there should be two '_teachers'_, Severus rationalised mentally. One to goad and threaten him, with the sole intention of eliciting the main emotions that gave birth to hate - namely anger, fear and disgust - the other, who would ideally be a person Potter respected and trusted, to guide him through these emotions as they arose, and show him how each could be changed into something more positive. Severus could understand why he might be the right person for the first role, considering the student was Potter, but he thought Albus must have truly lost his mind if he believed he was the correct person to teach the boy to feel only positive emotions. The whole situation was ludicrous and made the task more difficult than need be - if not impossible, given his history with the boy. Indeed, he began to wonder if Albus, even with all his intelligence, did not fully appreciate the difference between teaching someone to change negative emotion to positive rather than positive to negative. Severus knew, from personal experience, that one teacher could easily accomplish both roles when it was positive emotion that required to be controlled. Memories of his own lessons in the controlled emotion approach flooded his mind and made him shudder. They had been the most emotionally draining and difficult lessons of his entire life, and had left him hating someone he had once trusted and cared for. However, for him, feeling hatred had been the key to hiding his true allegiances from the Dark Lord, but it appeared for the boy to keep The Dark Lord out his mind, he need to eliminate that very same emotion. The irony was not lost on Severus, and he almost choked out a bitter laugh at the fact that he, the one who everyone saw as evil and unfeeling, had to control his natural positive feelings towards others, whereas, the supposed figurehead for the light, had to control his natural feelings of hatred.

Before he could continue in his thoughts, a loud banging snapped him from them, and he realised, much to his horror, that, for the first time in 16 years, he had not been concentrating on his Potions class. In fact, he had been so lost in thought he had forgotten he was even in his classroom. Severus shook himself mentally and focused on the source of the banging and realised his gaze had been blankly staring at that source the whole time.

_"_Are you completely incompetent Potter? Twenty points from Gryffindor and detention with me after dinner tonight," Severus heard himself say, and was irritated when the typical Gryffindor locked eyes with his and immediately retorted angrily.

"What? I haven't done any..."

Without knowing how he got there, Severus found himself leaning on Potters desk, towering over him, and staring into deep green eyes. However, much to Severus' surprise, they did not radiate the hate he had expected, but a deep anger. _At least the boy is displaying one of the primary emotions I need to change, _Severus thought distractedly.

"Why does it not surprise me that you have yet to learn to keep that mouth of yours shut? In the six years, I have had the displeasure of teaching you, have I once listened to your inarticulate excuses? Have you ever managed to persuade me to change my mind on any given punishment?" The derogatory words tripped out Severus' tongue without even thinking about them – he was so accustomed to his evil Potions Master persona that he could hardly remember being any other way, but for the first time in many years his mind registered that he had not always been like this.

Severus felt a small shudder run up his spine as he stared into the deep green eyes inches in front of his own, and realised he hated to see such negative emotion in those eyes. Quickly pushing thoughts of whom those eyes reminded him, he turned away abruptly, and strode back to his desk, just so he did not have to look at those deep green pools for a second longer.

"Detention tonight _and_ tomorrow night for having the audacity to question me. And as for not having done anything yet...I clearly stipulated grind not bash the snake fangs!"

Severus just reached his desk when Potter spat out a pleading but angry response making Severus close his eyes.

"But it's Quidditch trials' all week Sir!"

_Merlin, the boy is utterly stupid. If he cannot learn to keep his mouth shut after 6 years of having me as his professor, then I have no hope of teaching him anything, _Severus thought as he whipped around to glare at Potter again. He narrowed his own eyes in the hope that he would not see the pools of green from where he stood, but the glare was too intense to miss, and Severus berated himself as he felt his heart begin to pound under Potter's angry scrutiny. Struggling to keep his own emotions in check, he managed to bark out some more biting comments whilst hoping they showed none of the turmoil he was experiencing. After the loss of numerous house points and even more detentions, Potter finally lowered his eyes in defeat. Severus thanked Merlin the boy had given up his fight at last, since if he had not, he might have given in to his desire to just walk out of the classroom and concede defeat if it meant he did not have to witness any more anger in those damn eyes.

It had vaguely registered that the boy has called him a bastard during their volley of insults, but Severus could not feel angry at the comment. In fact, he had found it rather sad that their relationship was mostly based on mindless name-calling.

Between not feeling any anger at being called a bastard, and experiencing an almost overwhelming desire to give in to Potter, Severus was feeling rather shaken by the end of the class. But as was his way, he pushed the unwelcome thoughts and feeling into the recesses of his mind, and build a wall around them - reassuring himself that they were only caused by his over analysis of his own emotional control strategies, and nothing to do with Potter.

**Defence Classroom.**

Although it was the last thing he wanted to do, Severus decided he needed to keep Potter angry. At least then he would possibly be able to start teaching him to recognise and understand the emotion when he came for his detention. However, how and what he was going to change that anger to, he had still not managed to work out. He knew it had to be desire, but desire for what he could not contemplate. The difficulty was that Potters anger was highly personal and specifically directed at him. If his anger had been directed at something general such as the way the school was run or how little time he had to play Quidditch, then it would have been easier to deal with, but personal emotion, whether it be positive or negative could be only replaced by an equally personal opposite. The only thing Severus could think of, that was remotely appropriate, was to try to get Potter to turn his anger inward and away from himself. If he could make Potter angry at his own inadequacy and unpreparedness for the war, for example, then Severus felt sure he could turn that anger into a desire to train and improve. It was this thought he focused on as the 7th Year Gryffindors and Slytherins entered his classroom and was the reason he immediately began berating the boy quite harshly. Severus hoped that by using specific knowledge of the boy's failings, he could belittle him in a way that only he and Potter understood, which would possibly make Potter think about his own lack of ability in certain areas rather than believe his Professor was trying to humiliate him. As the degrading words tripped off his tongue, Severus felt slightly sick at how automatic the cruel words came. Not that he felt anything positive for the boy, his mind quickly assured him, but his understanding of the young wizard had grown and changed over the years, which made many of his previous reasons for disliking him invalid.

Pushing thoughts aside of how his feelings toward Potter had changed over the years, Severus looked around the classroom and began explaining his intention to teach defence in more useful, practical sessions. His original plan had been to have Potter partner with Malfoy; however, a Gryffindor student, who had been unable to attend school for his final NEWTS last year due to the unfortunate demise of his parents, had returned to lessons this year, making the number of students in this class uneven. This gave him an ideal opportunity, and an excuse, for being Potter's duelling partner for these practical lessons. The benefits of this were twofold he realised. Firstly, he could soften his approach to the boy when no-one was watching, which would hopefully plant a seed in Potter's mind that his most hated Professor was maybe not as terrible as he seemed, and secondly, he could increase the boys awareness of his lack of ability and preparedness for war.

The look of horror and anger on the boy's face, when he informed him they would be working together, was obvious, but much to Severus' confusion, rather than inwardly laughing at the boy's anguish, he found it rather upsetting that he could have ever considered Potter's distress funny. Severus panicked slightly when he realised how damaging the last 24 hours had been to his own mental shields. A crack was forming in his carefully constructed mental defences, and he briefly closed his eyes to allow him to focus on the things about Potter that reminded him of his father in an attempt to repair that crack.

When he opened his eyes again, it was clear that the boy in front of him was apprehensive; his shoulders were slumped, he shuffled his feet, his eyes were downcast, and he held his wand tightly in a clenched fist. Not exactly the picture of arrogance Severus had hoped to see, but a number of biting retorts about the boy's demeanour automatically entered his head regardless. In some ways, he was glad that he could still find the words to continue his facade of hating the boy, but he realised that to have any hope of gaining even a thread of Potter's trust, he would have to give some constructive advice rather that the barked insults he was used to doling out.

Severus mentally cursed Albus for setting him this task for the 100th time today and took a deep breath. It was not that Severus found it difficult to give the boy constructive advice, in fact, it came naturally, however, having to do so was widening the crack in his mental defences that he was desperately trying to keep closed.

"Firstly, Mr Potter, you need to face your opponent with confidence, even if you do not feel confident, you must give the impression that you are, at all times. Therefore, stand up straight, hold your head high and look at me." Severus spoke quietly and calmly with no hint of derision.

Green eyes snapped up from their intent gaze on the stone floor and narrowed in distrust as they met Severus' gaze, but the boy straightened his shoulders and stood more confidently.

Potter was a diminutive figure, but he would have to learn to hold himself in a way that intimidated his opponent if he had any hope of overcoming even the weaker of the Death Eaters, never mind the Dark Lord, in a duel, Severus thought a little distractedly as he stared into slightly narrowed green eyes. Then he remembered that Potter would never actually need to square up to the Dark Lord, and his stomach tightened. All this boy needed to do, apparently, was let the Dark Lord kill him. This thought almost made Severus turn away from the boy. He could not stand the idea of Lily's son, the child that she had given her life to save, going to the Dark Lord with no hope of surviving. Potter was defeated before he had even begun. What was the point in training him in defence or duelling when all he needed to do was die at the hands of the one who killed his parents? But Severus quelled the urge to turn away, and continued giving the boy instruction.

"That is much better, Mr Potter. Now, you will cast as many disarming or mildly disabling spells as you can, whilst I attempt to shield. Whilst castings, observe the strategies I use to avoid the spells reaching their target. It is only by anticipating a defensive manoeuvre do you have any hope of hexing any opponent."

Potter's demeanour had changed during this short line of advice. He had relaxed and let go of some of his anger, but in doing so his eyes had dropped back to the floor.

"Mr Potter. Look at me." Severus said quietly.

The boy snapped his head up immediately, and a lump formed in Severus' throat at the look Potter gave him, but he managed to maintain the intense eye contact and continue in a quiet instructive tone.

"You must never take your eyes of your opponent, even when that opponent is not actually your enemy, as is the case today. I would like you to observe every move I make in defending against your attack. Work out what it is I do most frequently to repel, shield or dodge particular spells. Look for a pattern and any ways past my defence."

The words were almost choking Severus, and not because he found it difficult to be pleasant to the boy, but because of the gratitude he could feel from the boy as he spoke. Severus had thought it would be a relief not to have those eyes look at him in anger, but it was more disturbing to have Potter look at him with appreciation, he realised. The boy in front of him had let go of his anger because of a few gently spoken words of advice, and it was clear to Severus that this boy craved genuine care and compassion. Of course, he had always known this to be the case, but had never consciously acknowledged it, even to himself.

It was with these thoughts that the practice session commenced, and although it pained Severus to attempt to make the boy angry again, he stuck with the plan of showing the boy how unprepared for the war he was in the hope that Potter's anger would be more directed inwards by the end of the class.

As it turned out, however, it was Severus who ended up angry at himself by the time the class finished. He had not expected the powerful, confident way the boy cast his hexes, and he berated himself for underestimating the boy. It had almost taken everything he had, including the use of silent Legilimency, to overcome the boys attack and make it look effortless. Severus hoped it had been enough to make the boy at least start to question his ability and turn his anger inward, but he had a feeling the anger, that once again radiated from Potter's eyes by the time he stormed out the class, was firmly directed back on him.

**Severus' Office**

Severus was mentally exhausted. He had been sitting at his desk since the end of the Defence lesson, staring blankly at an essay of Potters', and thinking over all that had occurred over the course of the day. He had spent a lot of time thinking about his own methods of emotional control in an attempt to find a way to turn Potter's anger into something positive, but he had failed to come up with anything suitable. It had been many years since he started turning desire for acceptance, friendship and love, into anger for anyone or anything that came close to him, and it had _almost_ become automatic, but thinking about it today had opened a hole in his mental shields that was allowing a torrent of unwanted thoughts and feelings through.

The essay in front of him was not helping close that hole either; in fact, it was breaking down his defence against the boy almost completely. He had retrieved the essay from his students' archives in the hope that he might be able to gleam some ideas from its words on how to turn Potters anger into desire. However, so far, all it had succeeded in doing was confirming his worst fears about the boy. The essay was an old one about the properties and uses for moonstones. Reading it now, he was amazed that he had not been even slightly impressed, if the Troll written at the top was anything to go by, by its simplicity and complexity all at the same time. The language Potter used was basic, but the concepts and feeling that had gone into the piece left him uncomfortable. It gave the reader a glimpse of what went on in Potter's head and tackled subjects such as desire, love and happiness. Severus had given the topic of _The magical properties, effects and uses for Moonstone_, on numerous occasions before Potter, and numerous times since, and although some of the submitted works were factually more accurate and better written, none were written with such personal feeling or content.

The overriding message the essay gave Severus was Potter understood pain and heartache to a greater degree than any child should, and he desperately wanted it to stop. Oh, the piece was not written in the first person, and his language made it sound as though he was talking about concepts that were abstract to him, but now Severus could feel personal truth in the words the boy had chosen. Severus sighed and placed his head in his hands. He needed to get a grip on his own thoughts and emotions before Potter's detention, but he was so tired of hating everyone and being hated in turn that he could not find the strength at the moment to rebuild his mental shields.

There was a quiet knock on his office door, and Severus' heart lurched. He wasn't ready to see Potter yet. He had no idea how he could possibly teach Potter anything when his own emotional control was crumbling, and he still didn't have the slightest idea of how to turn Potter's anger into anything positive. Severus growled internally as anger washed through him at Albus for putting him in this situation.

"Enter!" he barked out harshly. The door slowly creaked open, but Severus remained staring at the essay in front of him. Not greeting a student on their arrival was one of his many tactics of intimidation, but tonight his eyes remained focused on the parchment in a futile last gasp attempt to collect his thoughts and formulate a plan for this lesson. Severus read a paragraph about half way down the parchment:

_"When someone drinks the Draught of Peace for example, the moonstones allow the drinker to gain a greater understanding of who they are and be at peace with themselves. When someone finds an inner peace, it helps them clarify what their true desires are and makes them able to voice or act on them with no reservation or embarrassment. For example if they have always believed themselves to be undeserving of true friendship or love they may seek acceptance and companionship from someone they previously believed they were not worthy of but who they have always wanted to be accepted as a friend by. This therefore makes this potion quiet dangerous since if acceptance is not forthcoming from those that the drinker seeks it , it may cement the believe that they are indeed not worthy once the potion wears off."_

Reading this had been the wrong thing to do, Severus realised. Although Severus had viewed some of the boy's memories of his childhood, it was this essay that made him realise that Potter's childhood had been far from loving, and he started to feel a little sick at the way he had treated the boy over the years.

_What caused the boy, who survived on love alone, to become a young man who believes he is not even worthy of true friendship? _Severus thought as he mindlessly scrawled in red pen over the paragraph, correcting grammatical errors just to give his now shaking hands something to do.

Severus heard Potter shuffling his feet and moving closer to his desk, but he kept his eyes down and continued to ignore the boy. However, he knew it was Potter from the change of the magical energy filling the room, and the faint smell of peppermint. Severus closed his eyes briefly and allowed the feel and smell of the boy to fill his senses. The strength of magic that surrounded Potter tonight was intoxicating. He had always been attracted to power, and remembering the strength with which the boy had duelled with him earlier that day, along with the waves of energy assaulting him now, made it a struggle for Severus to maintain a calm expression.

"I'm here as requested for my detention, _Sir,_"

Severus took a deep calming breath and put down his quill, "Indeed you are," he managed to say in what he hoped was a calm tone as he finally looked up at the boy.

_Merlin, Potter looks ready to explode with anger_, Severus thought as he took in the flushed face, rapid shallow breathing and the tense muscles, _and he looks...amazing like this_, his mind provided. Cursing internally at the errant thoughts he took a deep breath and tried to control his own breathing, but it was obvious that he had been correct in his earlier assumption that his attempt at trying to turn Potters anger inward had not worked. It was clear that Potter was angry with him and him alone, and the thought made Severus muscles tense and heart rate increase.

"Tonight you will be resuming your Occlumency lessons. For some reason, the Headmaster still holds the belief that I am the best person to teach you this skill," he informed Potter matter of factly, and was surprised by the calmness he managed to portray when calm was the last thing he currently felt.

"What? I don't believe you! Dumbledore said the lessons with you had been a farce! There is no way he would ask you to teach me anything if he had a choice!"

Severus felt an instant a flush of anger at Potter's words, and almost let out a sigh of relief as the more familiar emotion washed through his.

"I am fully aware what our lessons were Mr Potter, and _farce_ is too mild a word to describe the complete incompetence you showed for the skill during them. However, Professor Dumbledore has indeed requested that I try again. He seems to think you have matured over the last two years and may now be able to find the discipline required to master the shielding of your mind."

Severus watched the boy start to tremble in barely controlled rage and wondered why it was that he seemed to cause such strength of emotion in the boy. It was true he had never been particularly nice to him, but then he was not nice to anyone, particularly Gryffindors, so why did Potter get this angry when normally he only managed to cause fear or indifference.

"Clearly you are still unable to control your emotions or discipline your mind; therefore, I plan to take a different approach this year. You will not question my methods and will do as I say without argument, is that clear?" Severus berated the monotonous sound to his voice, but it was the only way he knew how to hide his own spiralling emotions behind the bland nondescript tone.

A shudder ran through him as he watched Potter stare at him with his mouth hanging open in silent protest, eyes burning with fury behind those damn glasses of his. Glasses that reminded Severus of someone who had caused him heartache and distress as a young man, but the eyes behind the round pieces of glass were not cold blue as James Potter's had been, they were green. Green eyes that burned into his soul reminding him of love and acceptance and friendship. The only friendship that had ever mattered to Severus. A friendship that he had destroyed with cruel words he had not meant. Words uttered out of embarrassment and shame. Shame about who he was and what he wanted. Those green eyes had looked at him that day in anger and pain, much the same way the ones in front of him were now doing. Severus gulped down an involuntary sob that had lodged itself in his throat.

"Is that clear, Mr Potter?" Severus ground out in the same monotonous tone, whilst his heart felt as though it was breaking in two.

Mercifully, Potter's eyes dropped to the floor as he nodded wordlessly in defeated consent. Severus sighed and closed his own eyes briefly in an attempt to clear away images of the past and control his breathing. He wanted to scream and shout and berate this boy in front of him for causing him such all consuming anguish, but knew he couldn't, he knew that the last thing his true self wanted was to cause those green eyes to look at him with anger or pain. He did not want to cause _Potter_ any pain or anguish he corrected himself. It had nothing to do with James or Lily any more. It had not been about Lily for a long time. Severus pushed his crazy thoughts to the recesses of his mind and once again tried to focus on Potter being like his father since he needed to keep the boy angry for the moment.

"We will begin immediately," Severus heard himself say, unsure what he meant by that exactly.

The words caused Potter to snap up his gaze again, and Severus saw the boy go almost rigid as every well-defined muscle in his body tensed.

Severus felt as though every muscle in his own body was about to snap under the tension he felt when he finally realised that it was more pain in those green eyes than anger. A pain he had yet again caused by his years of cruel words he did not truly mean. He felt his back come to rest against his desk and hoped the lack of control he felt in his own body was not obvious. He crossed his arms in front of himself and wrapped his cloak around him in the hope that his rapid shallow breathing would not be seen. Severus could not seem to tear his eyes away from the green pools, and the longer they bored into him, the harder he found it to breathe.

"Close your eyes," he eventually managed to say, hoping that the boy would just do it. Just close his eyes and stop looking at him like that. He did not know how much longer he could cope with such intense emotions radiating toward him.

"Sorry?" Potter said with no small amount of surprise.

"I said close your eyes. Are you deaf as well as stupid?" Severus snapped, regretting the harsh words as soon as he had uttered them as he watched the surprise disappear and be replaced with even more anger and hurt. _Merlin, please just make this boy close his eyes._

"I heard what you said, but why the hell do you want me to close my eyes?"

_Blood hell, he wants explanations for something I cannot explain. Can never explain. _

"Do as I say Potter, unless you want this week to extend to the entire term."

Severus sighed a breath of relief as the pools of green were reluctantly hidden behind fluttering eyelids, and he tried to focus on accomplishing the task he had been set.

"Tell me what you are feeling," he asked as he silently dreaded the harsh words that were bound to come. Words that would berate him and remind him what a cruel heartless git he had become. But no such words came; instead, Potter opened his eyes again making Severus' growl instinctively in the reflexive defensive manner that had become his way.

"For fuck sake Potter, just do as I say. Close your eyes and try answering some simple questions or we are going to be here all bloody night." Severus said in a wave of anger, but as he watched Potter close his eyes again a sudden realisation hit Severus. He was not angry. He had never been angry, not with Potter at any rate. He had always known this deep down under the layers of mental protection he had built over the years but had refused to recognise this basic truth. He had been turning desire to anger and anger to desire for so many years that he rarely even thought about it now. He truly had no idea who he was or what he wanted any more.

"Tell me how you feel," Severus asked again as he closed his own eyes and felt some of his own mental shields start to crumble.

"How the fuck do you think I feel?"

"Well, it is obvious that you are angry. You have never been very good at hiding your emotions Potter. Tell me who it is you are angry with."

"Who the hell do you think?"

The irony of the situation he found himself in was not particularly funny – he needed to turn Potter's anger to desire, but all he seemed to be managing to achieve was turning his own anger back to its natural beginnings, and the sudden realisation of what his hidden desires were, made him want to laugh.

"I presume the answer would be... me," he managed to say as he struggled to contain the humourless, almost hysterical laughter that was bubbling inside him.

"Too bloody right it's you!"

_Oh Merlin help me_, thought Severus as he, for the first time, acknowledged what he had known for a while - Potter desperately wanted him to accept him, to not dislike him and that he Severus Snape did accept him, did like him.

"What is this anger making you want to do?" he heard himself say, as a strong desire to gather the boy up in his arms and protect him stole through every fibre in his being.

"I want to slap the smirk off your face. I want to grab you and ..." Severus did not want to hear how much Potter desired to harm him when all he wanted to do was tell the boy that he did care for him, probably more than was strictly acceptable, so he cut him off hurriedly saying the next thing that came into his head.

"What sensations do you associate with this anger Mr Potter? Is your stomach tied in knots? Are your muscles tense and shaking? Is your heart racing? Is there a heat rising from your gut that is consuming you?" Snape's voice had dropped to a low resonate whisper as he described his own physical symptoms.

"I suppose all of these things. That's what most people feel when they are angry, is it not? Look. What is this about?" Severus vaguely heard the boy respond, but was too consumed by the bright green eyes that had just been revealed again.

"Keep your eyes closed, Potter." _Please, _he pleaded internally_._

Once Potter had again closed his eyes, Severus continued, although he still had no clue what he was saying or where he planned to take this. He knew where he wanted to take it. He wanted somehow to show the young man that he was accepted for who he was; that he had never meant to hurt the boy, that he wanted him to be happy and at peace.

"So let me recap. Your muscles are tense; you feel hot and flushed; your heart is pounding, and you want to... grab me, slap me...in other words...touch me?" Severus asked as he moved closer to the boy so that he was standing mere inches away from the trembling frame. The young man before him opened his mouth to respond to the question Severus knew he had asked, but he now had no idea what it had been. The smell of peppermint assaulted his senses, and time seemed to slow down as Severus' gaze was directed to those perfectly shaped, slightly parted lips. He suddenly felt as though he was floating in a sea of peppermint and power, and he shuddered slightly at the intoxicating effect it was having on him mentally and physically.

Severus' mind snapped back to reality as he felt his lips gently touch those of Potter, and he pulled away abruptly.

Green eyes flew open, and locked onto Severus' who was still looking at the lips that were still slightly parted in front of him.

_Oh Shit!_ Severus thought when he realised Potter was staring at him, and the reality of what he had done crashed down on him.

"Your detention is over," he said abruptly, aware that his voice was a broken version of his normal tone, and stalked from the room in a swirl of black and ran.


End file.
